{posted on Hobowars.Com gang forum}
This was an actual letter sent to the IRS after the
author was denied tax deductions on two of his
children.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction
for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.
Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your
office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she hasno formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject
you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the
moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the
face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you
will be handling this in the future.
Patrick is 14. I've hd my suspicions about this
one. His eyes are a little closer together than
those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a
few days of school after instigating a food fight in
the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone
number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all
of his friends have raging hormones. This is the
house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave
him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (They find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp
and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this
one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a
bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were
terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot
speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
double speak. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a
refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She
wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room and
I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is
only fair that you get to pick which two you will
take. I prefr that you take the youngest two, I
will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but
then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I
still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then
I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible, as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
George
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)