Went to Susan’s Mom’s funeral today. Thought about a lot of things, but my mind is in a strange state … almost like I’m asleep trying to wake up.
Which is where I am at. I realized that .. well … bear with me … I had done the whole satori thing when I was 15 or so and received the gifts of the Spirit, but it was shallow. Real, but in a way too early in my life. I was not gold tested in fire, or hardly tested at all. Now it is coming back to me, but it’s as if I am trying to grasp my own salvation a second time with the world in my arms. Sort of like a boddhitsatva. I know that doesn’t sound very humble, by I have no intention to boast. Let me explain it better.
I was able to go through and past my sentience — my very senses and intellect — to touch reality, that which/whom cannot be named. It was a private journey and I needed no justification from anyone but my God. It was my own karma, my own faith in the Word.
Now I greatly desire the whole world to go past itself, to become like a child again and see face to face the Kingdom of Heaven. But it is not my own journey, but that of the many, with all the intellectual baggage of everyone. It is like I am coming to grips with all the ideas and reasoning I did before, but as an adult, and in light of the arguments and viewpoints of ten thousand conflicting views. How to go beyond them all! How to be the instrument to overcome and leave only Peace!
The path has been brought before me by no mistake. I have talked and argued and read and contemplated theology ceaselessly for days now. I got through most of Acts again while waiting for an appointment, and like so many other scripture readings lately, it brings both clarity and confusion. Clarity in my own mind, yet confusion how to preach it to the world in a way they will grasp. I have received insight after insigt with each passage, but I see know end in sight to full understanding.
I long for rest … the state of being — truly living — though I am battered from wounds received in this life. But I fear I shall not find it for another reason. Iinstead of this, I am compelled to a path of resolution for others beside myself, if that is possible.
I need no degree, no ordination, save what G-d has given me already. But neither did Christ require baptism by John. There may be many things for me to do, not for myself, but as the obedient servant that others may better hear tidings of Good News. I am considering seminary. And I feel like there are more things for me to write and share than could fill the whole world.