Today, I have to tell my daughter that we can no longer make up visitation times. I see her twice a week, and if Christina plans something else, I have to tell her no or give up my time. Her mother insists I do this, and insists it’s between me and my daughter because she doesn’t want to be the bad guy, and when I rearrange times, she doesn’t get to see her as much.
Her mother has a point, but a long time ago (age 10) gave my daughter the freedom to see me or not see me. And I don’t mean “if you don’t like daddy you don’t have to see him” – I mean “if you’d rather go to a friend’s party or to Florida with your best friend, you can do what you want and don’t have to make up the time”. So Chrsitina (being more mature than could have been expected) and I worked it out and I have been giving her more and more leeway with losing time once in a while and rescheduling. Life was good – or at least healthy – for both of us at least.
Now apparently this means she can choose NOT see me if she wants, but CANNOT choose to see me when she wants – I’m not supposed to ask becasue her mother will have to say yes or be the bad guy. Whose freedom is this about? Am I missing something here? It just doesn’t seem right, the more I think about it.
My point of view is that she needs face time with both parents mote than once a week, hell or high water, ESPECIALLY at a time in her life when she wants nothing to do with parents or others outside her peer group. But instead of taking parental responsibility and YES MAKING HER SPEND FAMILY TIME, it’s left up to her (when it comes to ME anyway) hoping she will do the right thing. (Or is someone hoping she WONT do the right thing? I don’t want to beleive that.)
Anyway, I have to “enforce it” to make her homelife with her mom easier, risking straining my relationship with my daughter and not doing what’s best for Christina. Should I be pissed about all this? If not for me then for my daughter’s sake?
Re: Breathe ……
I’m glad it sorta worked out. At least the dident scream and moan. Although I dident really think she would.
Breathe ……
Thanks.
I did talk with her and she isn’t mad about the it at all. She understands she is in a strange situation, unlike any of her friend’s non-citodial fathers who either don’t see them at all or just on holidays and occassional every-few-week things. That makes it hard for her friends to understand why it’s important to her to spend time with me. And we talked about the negative demands of parent hopping and a lot of other things.
But the main difference which she understands clearly is that I’ve ALWAYS been there – all the time, not just for special events or when I wasn’t busy – I insisted on making her feel at home with me almost as if I had lived with her still. I can only do so much, but still – Ironically, I have always had a much better and closer relationship thanks to the courts and NOT living with her than when I did.
Christina doesn’t realize how unusual the circumstances were surrounding why I got so much visitation, but she knows I fopught for it and for that and other reasons I am not a typical father, and not for the worse.
But anyway, we’re not sure what to do. Both our hands are tied, and she knows I will accept seeing her less often now and then IF SHE WANTS IT THAT WAY, while also understanding the importance of having her real father around as regularly and consistently as always – at least how important it is to ME to be there for her and that I’m not going to give that up wholesale. (Not for my own sake, but my beleif in the importance of my influence on her values and such.)
But we DID talk about it maturely, and we’ll just have to see. She assured me her mother isn’t going to deny me makeup time when I let her go to family events, and we’re planning on including her friends more often during visitation time (my suggestion) and maybe even seeing her other times that she would not otherwise be at her mom’s.
I’ll see her any chance I get, like I always have. I’ll jsut have to be more creative, I guess. Anyway, this was really eating away at me the last couple of days, and I think I’ll sleep well tonight.
If only I could tuck her in every night like I used to most nights when she was little.
My 2 cents.
What I know of Eilleen, is what I saw when the two of you split up. She did NOT make a good impression to me, at all. What I saw back then was her ALWAYS trying to make you look like the bad guy, and turning custody into a power struggle. My impression of her at the time was she was a psychopath. A female version of Stven the Evil. Although I have been out of the picture for many years, I can’t imagine things have changed to much.
What I know of Christina, again is not much because I havent seen her since she was 8. Except that one time at the Erie County Fair, and I didednt even recgonize her. I will say that to me she always seemed wise beyond her years.
My Opinion. and mind you love, its just my opinion. You can sit her(crissy) down and talk to her. Like an adult and lay it on the table.
Worst case scenario being she bitches and moans. (BUT thinking back to when I was a teenager, being told I couldent go skating on Friday or go to the mall on Saturday was reason enough to bitch and moan.) If she does, it doesent mean she doesent love you, and it doesent mean your a bad father.(which I think you are a great father, just from what I have seen) She’ll be pissed off, yes, but she will get over it.
Best case scenario. She may understand your concern and be willing to work with you. Like I said she seems wise beyond her years. Maybe after hearing that if she doesent spend the the scheduled time with you, she can’t reschedule it to her liking. She may be more willing to keep to the schedule. Maybe the time you see her has to change. What once worked before may not work now. It may be that simple.
OH one last thing. It’s not like your telling her she can’t see her friends. This is a BIG fear of teens. That the parents will tell them they cant see there friends. Dont forget to let her KNOW that this is not what your trying to say. (see, my child Psychology class DID come in handy)
Your little girl is growing up my love. And growing up is going to be the hardest years of her life. On all of you.
Just remember when it seems like she hates you. She still loves you.
I hope this all works out for you.
(I’ll be sending you my bill in the mail.)